A Blessed Mess!

This is going to be raw, I warn you now. I was struggling with what has transpired in my life recently and it all just came out, onto blank page … here goes …

 

I lost trust in myself recently.

I lost trust in everything and in everyone.

I was fired from another job, Again.

Why!? Why am I always the one that gets let go and never the one they hang on to? I watch others stay in there jobs for years, being valued and appreciated yet im always being show the door with no second glance. And no one to say ‘are you ok’. Life has become difficult for me again. It keeps going around in circles. It will be ok for a little while and then I will lose my job again and the cycle starts all over again. Its never ending. And then there are those moments when I am quiet in my thoughts and asking myself ‘whats the point’ even though I know there must be a greater purpose, almost all of me has had enough and just wants out. I feel like a failure, like the scrap of rubbish that nobody wants. And I know all the clichés of you have to create it yourself, I get all of that. But, I just don’t know how to make it happen anymore. I feel so worn down and so tired and inferior I feel like I just want to slip quietly out the back door and no one will notice. Since I was fired I have been applying for jobs left right and centre, over the past 2.5 weeks with not one phone call. My money is running out and I don’t know what to do when it does if I don’t have a job. I am so scared this time and I don’t know what to do. I keep looking and hoping for some sign or something or someone that will show up and help me, even just a little. But nothing.  I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to be the person I want to be or the person I imagine to be. How do I be that person when I feel like im drowing in just trying to keep my head above water, all the time.  I wish I had a mentor, someone who believed in me when I cant manage to believe in myself and someone who inspires me to be the best me. I look at all the inspiration quotes and motivators I have positioned directly across from my office desk, just for moments like these, and I don’t know how to be any of them. Things like ‘theres always a way if your committed’ or ‘how many success stories do you need to hear before you make your own’ … I don’t know how to do that, or be that, or even how to attempt to be that. They inspire me but I don’t know how to get to that place on my own. I don’t think I can. They are stronger than me, they had and have something I don’t have. I don’t know how to get what they have. Im always in such a desperate situation I feel like I never get to choose, I always just have to take and suck up what ‘I need to do’. I have worn a ring on my finger that says ‘follow your bliss’ for the past 5+ years which has served as a remind to do that …. But, I have never done it. Why can’t I just be happy, for once, be successful, for once, be loved, by someone other than my daughter and my mother. I feel invisible to the world. I feel like I have no life left in me, just sadness, just pain, just sorrow and distrust for people. And those quotes start to become just words, they lose their meaning. I keep saying to myself, just keep going Clare, just stay positive and something will turn up, it will come right. But im doubting myself now after 2.5 weeks of no success. Actually after my entire working history of no success.  I just want someone to see me, for the right reasons. I want to make a difference, I want to help people in my chosen field. But im not in my chosen field to do that. I’m in no field actually. And I feel like the world and all who are in it have turned their back on me. Its how I feel. And with no pause for how I might feel and what it might do to my life. People you think are good kind people, turn out not to be. You placed your trust in the wrong people, you put your eggs in the wrong nest. And they got broken. How do you learn to find and attract good people, genuinely good, funny, kind people, places and situations. When it seems impossible. When you want to be a completely different person from who you are. When you don’t want to be the person you have always been anymore. When you don’t even like the person you have become, not because you are a mean person or anything like that, but because you are utterly unhappy and miserable with who you have become. Because you thought your life would be so much better than it is at this age. When you realise you are so far away from where you wanted to be at this age. I do feel like a raft that has drifted so far out to sea that I cant see any land anymore, and the water is so deep the anchor doesn’t reach the bottom so you just keep drifting further and further with an utter sense of hopelessness of ever reaching a safe place. Its an awful feeling. Its isolating. Its actually quite terrifying. When you know you are responsible for other peoples lives, yet you cant even sail your own ship to safety. I wish god would speak to me, I wish he would just say ‘you need to do this’, or ‘this is the best solution for you’ or ‘here, take this paddle and get yourself to some land’. Sometimes this life feels like a task you need to complete but you have no idea how the software works and you spend all your time just stressing and worrying over how to figure it out and in the end, you just get up and walk away. You don’t want to quit, but you just don’t know how to succeed. You need a cheat sheet, just for a little while. Some kind of instructions, some guidance. My life feels like a series of mishaps, nothing has been intentional, a bit like a stone rolling down a hill. Free falling. All over the place. And im scared im going to roll right off the cliff if I cant figure out how to guide myself to safety. Im a beautiful mess, controlled chaos. And I doubt anyone would even read this, or would even find it to read it. I had to get it out of my system.

Justustwo xo

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