Hello and welcome to 2019 . . . .
How has your transition from 2018 to 2019 been?
Who’s got their resolutions and goals all written out, their vision boards printed and pasted, and lists drawn up of all the things you will accomplish in 2019?!? I say ‘will’ accomplish, because who writes what they don’t want to achieve, right!
To be honest the past twelve months have been interesting to say the least. They say that going into this new year we finished a nine year cycle and 2018 was all about letting go, clearing out the old and making changes. Well, I can definitely attest to that . . . it has been an emotional test for me.
My biggest challenge in 2018 was gaining my independence back and learning what to do with it and how to cope with it. And I stumbled through it like wading through a thick fog!
Let me give you a little background . . . for the past nine years due to financial stressors, practicality, and needed support, I have been sharing my living with my mother. And to be true, it helped me through a lot. But last year, I felt the very strong urge that it was time to go it alone again. I was desperate to be independent again, to know that I could do it myself, and to be a role model to my daughter and teach her the things that only I could teach her.
I had no idea the emotional rollercoaster that lay before me, how it would turn me inside out, how it would highlight my weaknesses before I could notice my strengths and how many times I would plee for help from those above. At first, it was very exciting, looking for a new place, finding the perfect home, close to everything – work and school and town, plenty of room for the dog, space around me and all the possibility to fill it with everything that is ‘me’ and create a home just for me and my girl. So much hope, so much possibility.
And it was, it was wonderful to feel free again to design my life as and how I wanted it.
But, the feeling of bliss was a little short lived.
After the feelings of joy and excitement had settled, fear started to creep in. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel safe, I felt completely alone, I was struggling badly financially, I had to do ‘everything’ myself. I felt myself sinking . . . fast!! There was just so much to do, and only me. I felt so overwhelmed and had no one to turn too.
Sometimes I think the only thing that helped me get through was my work, because it was constant, and I could see other people’s lives on a daily basis. That mess was normal, that everyone has challenges, and surprisingly I was actually (and still am) surrounded by other single parents and working mothers that are doing it everyday, like me. It gave me a feeling of support and hope that I could make this work. That if others are doing it (and still alive) then I could too.
The only difference between them and myself, is that I want to thrive, and go bigger. By that I mean, live better and bolder. I want to be more financially independent and work at a higher level than I am now. Thank god for goals!! Whereas, most are happy where they are, and there is nothing wrong with that. It just means, I need to pull more out of my hat this year and shift my focus to different role models.
So here I am in my new home, surrounded by all my things, placed where I want them, creating a nice bedroom for my teenage daughter and making a nice space for the both of us. But inside, there was utter turmoil. What had I done!? Had I made a massive mistake!? Bitten off way more than I can chew!? Bills coming in, constantly having to outlay more and more money for so many things and not knowing how on this earth I was going to pay for them all and keep up. There were tears, punching pillows, crying out to the ethers to help me, to show me what to do and how to make it better, begging for a windfall of money to help me through and a shoulder to cry on. But there was only silence.
2018 was a year of learning to lean on myself. I had to listen to my own intuition, I had to pay attention to those little gut feelings and know which to follow. I had to learn to not let my sadness or frustration take me down. I had to learn to prioritise, to organise, to budget, to keep a tidy space in a small house, to keep my pets alive and happy, to support and entertain a teenager while allowing her the independence to grow up (that’s a whole other blog), to learn to stand still at times, to ask for help and be open to receive it (even if just in answer to a question). And those are just the external things to think about, it doesn’t even touch what was going on inside of me. There was so much transformation going on, I could barely keep up.
By the end of 2018 and now into 2019 I’m just starting to get some stability. My emotions and ability to trust in myself has grown exponentially, and the fear of ‘can I do it’ has passed. I now know that I can. Financially, life can still be a little tricky, but I seem to find my way through.
This year for me will be about fine tuning and looking at what’s next! I took a huge step last year going out on my own. This year I want to take it to a new level.
My 2019 goals include, increasing my fitness and health (downsizing my waistline), increasing my earning capacity and stretching my boundaries professionally, definitely reading more and learning of other’s journeys, building better and more relationships with other people, getting outside in nature more and living more creatively on all fronts.
Now that I’ve learnt to trust myself more, I feel that its given way to allowing me to step beyond my own barriers that I had previously set. There are still many things for me to learn, but I am definately a step closer to knowing more about myself than I was before. 2018 taught me alot about who I am and what I am capable of, lessons that can only be learned when you’re in deep and the only way out, is to swim!
Happy 2019, may it be plentiful and adventurous!!
Until next time . . .
Justustwo xox