Now I have been a single parent for nearly 14 years … oh yes, that feels like an eternity. But worse, it feels like I have missed the boat of kids. As a woman I always wanted to have my own kids and I am blessed, oh so very blessed to have my daughter and I know there are many people out there who don’t have that, so just bear in mind that I am very very grateful for her. However, there has always been this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am missing something, that there is an element missing from my family, that there should be another child. That my family is not complete. That there was another soul I was to bring into the world.
As you may be able to imagine, this is a torturous feeling to live with and I have never been sure how to deal with it or what to do about it. When I separated from my daughters fathers, believe it or not, we were planning (and trying) for a second child, but never fell pregnant. Do I wish I had of fallen pregnant? Simply, Yes!! Pause for the gasping …..
I always wanted more!
I believe my daughter deserved the opportunity to know what sibling rivalry feels like and what it feels like to have that close unbreakable bond and love of a sibling. To go through school together, to hang out together and discover the world around them.
It almost opens Pandoras box when I think about it. Did I fail??? Will I ever get the opportunity again? Am I too old now? Is the gap between the kids to big now? How could I be a mum all over again over 40? Is 40 just too old to be thinking about it? Will I be judged? Will anyone love me enough to want more kids with me? Did I miss the opportunity of providing my daughter with the bond she needed as a small child?? Can I watch my childs tears of not knowing their father!? Is she missing out!
And the biting question …. can I risk becoming a single parent again with another child! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not questioning my strength or my ability to do it. Once you have raised a child on your own, it’s like building a kingdom, the blueprint and foundations are down and you can focus on getting better at it. It’s more of missing out on the joy of ‘sharing’ it all with another human being who wants it just as much as you do, and you can rule the kingdom together, holding hands, making love, cracking jokes, being silly, planning lifes adventures … all that good stuff, that you don’t get to do when you are a single parent. Missing out on this a second time is too painful to think about.
But after all that …. the void is there …. it remains to be felt. It impacts my life everyday when I see other mothers with their small children, when women at work bring in their new babies, when I hear another co-worker is pregnant. Something in me shuts off because the pain of the reality is too heavy. I’m so happy for them, but it hurts. Part of me wants what they have, and part of me is so grateful to know motherhood at all.
Still the fact remains. I live with a feeling of incompleteness, unfinished business and I try to fill that void with everything I can, but it’s there.
We never know what our futures hold …. maybe there is still hope. Or … maybe there is something else! Is it time to shift my focus!
Big love,
justustwo xo